What bituminous rock did I crawl out from under?

Last night two TV ads astonished me.  Both were for Citizen's Energy, an alliance that's been providing one-time 100 gallon shipments of free heating oil to impoverished US households in 23 states.  The oil comes from Venezuela, from CITGO, in fact.

I wish I could find the ads on the internet so I could link you to them.  When I do, I will.

According to Citizen's Energy website, the program has been distributing free oil since 1979.  1979 was only four years after the US sold wheat to the USSR to supplement the Soviet Republic's poor grain harvest.  Everybody knows that the US provides foreign aid, it doesn't receive it, right?

US citizens shivering in possibly-to-be-foreclosed houses will be grateful for foreign aid or anything that keeps their pipes from freezing.  I hope that those of us with more choices will bear in mind that Venezuela's Orinoco Belt is the world's greatest supplier of orimulsion(r).

My father, Ken Hadow, waged the best fight of his life combating Florida Power & Light's application to burn Venezuelan orimulsion at its Manatee Power Plant. 

Orimulsion is a tar-like bituminous fuel with a sulfur content of 3.8%.  To evade OPEC quotas on oil, Venezuela tagged it a "non-conventional fuel" or "liquid coal."  Others just call it "the world's dirtiest fuel."

Thanks to efforts like my father's, the market in the US, Canada and the UK dried up.  Now Venezuela sells millions of tons of inexpensive orimulsion to China, where, mixed with water, it burns like coal, releasing heavy concentrations of sulfur, and fueling cheap Chinese exports.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez calls the trade between China and Venezuela "a "Great Wall" against American hegemonism."

In 2006, Bloomberg News reported that

Chavez, whose country is the world's fifth-largest oil producer, had hinted he would seize the assets by raising taxes and royalties on the four ventures. Chavez, a critic of U.S. President George W. Bush, also blames capitalism for global poverty and has endorsed socialism as the best way to right economic inequalities.

Chávez did seize those assets.  In 2008, Reuters reported that

President Hugo Chavez last year led a nationalization crusade that gave the state control over the projects once run by companies including Exxon Mobil (XOM.N) and ConocoPhillips (COP.N), which have taken Venezuela to arbitration for the takeover.

Why would a nation that obviously finds the US overweening and benighted give us free heating oil, except to cock a snook, the snook paid for by the sale of orimulsion and by nationalizing private production plants?

gurlz ONLY

Attention, gentlemen: this post is about menopause.  You might want to click away now.

LOL!  Can’t you hear those trackballs spinning frantically?

This really is about menopause.  It’s about how I can only think of one reason why the International Sleep Products Association (ISPA) hasn’t already implemented this marketing campaign:

“Congratulations!  You’ve reached menopause.  No more worry about staining your bedding, so buy the best.  Celebrate by treating yourself to a luxury mattress.  

As a special treat, if you tell us you’re over 50, we’ll include a set of 500-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets as our gift.”

(They’ll actually card everybody—nothing like the thrill of being told you don’t look your age.)

I see spots (hee hee) on the Lifetime Channel and OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network.  I see ads in the women’s service magazines.  I see this as huge.

The only possible reason that they haven’t already initiated this campaign is that they haven’t thought of it.  Yet.

Gives me something to look forward to.

Writing tightly

I had problem meeting word requirements for college essays.  I didn’t like writing bloated prose, though I did it when I had to.

Fortunately, tight writing is a virtue when preparing ads and direct mail.  If a few more words bump you up from a postcard stamp (.28) to a large postcard stamp (.44), you ruthlessly slash a few words from somewhere.

Newspaper experience teaches you a) to make your words fit in the allotted space and b) to get it in on time.

But before you write for the newsletterpaper, you’ve probably written poetry.  And, boy, is that good practice!  Not only do you have to keep down the word count, the words also have to scan and rhyme. 

I only write poetry occasionally now, but it’s a good exercise in forcing yourself to write economically.  Even writing a few couplets for a Burma-Shave style ad disciplines you to justify the use of every word.

I recommend poetry to every budding writer, especially those with no intention of publishing.  Just as musicians play scales but don’t perform them, writing poetry strengthens all your other writing.

PS Don’t forget that postage rates go up on January 1.

Advertising: Good, Bad, Creepy

When I went out leafleting last weekend, I saw three kinds of outdoor advertising: good, bad, and creepy.

When it comes to elections and Hallowe’en, it pays to advertise.  Hence, many lawns were decorated with pumpkins, skeletons, tombstones and political yard signs.

As to the election, “my” side, opposing selling New Providence’s largest park to Union County for $1, got the yard signs and the votes out early.  Somehow a “vote yes” sign appeared next to my “no county park” sign the day after the elections.  I suppose that was from someone sore that New Providence rejected the sale 2:1.

As to Hallowe’en, our house failed to advertise this year.  Advertising is very important.  Even though trick or treat day fell on a Sunday, only two children showed up to claim their treats.  This was not entirely bad; we got to eat all the chocolate ourselves.

The creepy advertisement was the house with the newspapers in the driveway, three FedEx stickers on the door and the door hanger from the week before on the knob.

If the owners had merely moved away, they must have been so sinister and unfriendly they couldn’t convince anyone to take care of their entrance.  As it was, the entire front of their house was an invitation to burglars to swoop in off the highway, break a window and help themselves.

On the other hand, maybe the owners were dead and mouldering inside.  That would have been appropriate for Hallowe’en. 

I decided not to leave my bright green brochure at the door to further advertise the vacancy within.  In fact, I picked up the newspapers in the driveway, too.  But, come on, neighbor.  If you advertise the fact that your house is ripe for a break-in, you put mine at risk, too.

Hallowe’en advertising, great.  Political advertising, great, even if you don’t agree with me.  “Nobody home” advertising, reprehensible and creepy.

Just for fun

I took on an advertising project just for fun this morning. The challenge was to come up with catchy slogans for safe sex.

There's some good competition already.

After I hit "send" I realized what I had done: I had written Burma Shave ads for the 21st century. Boy, did I enjoy it.

If the advertiser doesn't want them, you'll be seeing them here.

Want to suggest more? Please leave a comment.

Boomers, Brace Yourselves for the Brash

When I was interviewing at a law firm, I called an attorney friend of mine.

"How would you market a law firm?" I asked. I heard him stiffen over the phone.

"I wouldn't," he said through clenched teeth. He went on to tell me that when he worked at The Great White Shoe Law Firm, his business card didn't even include his telephone number.

Silent Generation, meet the Class of 2010. Maybe the law firm's understated campaign was a reaction to the breadlines of the Depression. It was probably a relief not to have to scrounge for the next client or customer, and a source of pride to stay aloof from sordid promotion.

Check out the picture of the woman with a sandwich board in Something's not working The Economist's story about the current US labor market. Her sign reads "Jennifernyc@earthlink.net/LAID-OFF/TODAY/9:45 A.M./HIRE ME."

Can "Will Work for Food" be far behind?

As The Economist points out, "about as many Americans are working as in the autumn of 1999-in a population that is larger by 28m." Competition is stiff, especially among those with no job experience. I predict that we will see self-promotion in this cohort that will horrify older generations.

500 LinkedIn contacts. Business cards at church. Realtor-style name badges. Email blasts. Skywriting, if they can afford it. Effrontery and chutzpah, because the ones who fail to market themselves will be left behind, even with their expensive college educations.

"How...tacky," I can already hear people sniff. "I didn't push myself on people like that. They look so desperate."

Actually, they are desperate. Wall Street Journal humorist Joe Queenan writes in A Lament for the Class of 2010, "Baby Boomers conveniently forget that it didn't set anyone back a year's salary to go to college in the 1960s and 1970s, and that college graduates back then were not entering a work force filled with other college grads."

These youngsters are competing for a limited number of jobs. They're competing against people with a lot more experience. Get ready now for a lot of young people who want your job, or any job. The smart ones are going to figure out how to promote themselves just the way Oscar-Mayer pushes processed meat.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go look for a name badge.

Edit: you may also be interested in this comment on job prospects in the UK.

"You'll get a laugh out of the hairstyles," my husband said, handing me the March, 1966 edition of the National Geographic. He wanted me to read an article about the Soviet Union.

Here's what really struck me: the unsophisticated advertising. One 4" 1-column ad bore a cartoon of a man in a beret with a palette and easel.

Design your different vacation in GALA MISSOURI
Free booklet shows you the variety and value that has made Missouri the "Vacation Capital of the Midwest."

Once Burma-Shave ended its iconic rhyming signs campaign in 1963, apparently there wasn't much advertising clutter to compete with back then. Madison Avenue types could whip out ads like this even after 3-martini lunches--no unique selling propositions necessary.

The ads in the 1966 National Geographic reminded me of the ones I see in trade journals now, earnest and informative. In an expanding economy, I guess you didn't need to be witty. All you had to do was lay out the product benefits. Mom and Pop would write away for your travel brochure and load up the station wagon. Apparently, it worked. Branson, MO's website now announces.

"And in 2010, Branson is celebrating 50 years of family entertainment!"

By contrast, the ads in the January, 2009, National Geographic are arch (a stomach-turning shot of a man in too-short gym shorts, knee-high tube socks, Converse high-tops, headband and wooden tennis racket: SURVIVE THE '70s? YOU DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT) or suggestive (Buck Naked Blue Beauties: Feast your eyes on a colossal 350 carats of raw sapphire). Advertisers are fighting much harder now to pry those dollars away from consumers.

I may not want to turn back the clock to simpler advertising, but I'd like to turn back to the thriving economy that allowed it to succeed.

I wish I'd written that ad

I could not take my eyes off the ad last night, and I watched the commercials hoping it would play again. It featured a racially-ambiguous woman boasting about her white pants and fabulous hair, and I had to wait till the very end to find out which feminine hygiene product she was selling.

Kotex. Kotex? My grandmother used Kotex.

I'm having computer problems this morning or I would research this further, but I believe Kotex was the first commercially-available feminine hygiene product. Kimberly-Clark or their predecessors introduced it after the success of disposable bandages during World War I.

Apparently the brand has reinvented itself. Whoever wrote that ad must have had a lot of fun with it. I envy them. I am actually looking forward to trying it out.

No April Fool joke here.

Oh, Right, a BRANDING Ad

I have blogged before about how I feel when ad salespeople ask me if I want my ads for "branding" or if I want the person seeing it to take a specific action.

I have felt irritated. Of course I want the "ad spend" to pay off in real benefits.

Those of you with professional advertising experience chuckled, I'm sure. After all, most of my experience with advertising has been for non-profits. The nice thing about doing marketing and PR for non-profits is that publishers understand that there is little or no budget for advertising. A non-profit is not going to buy a random "branding" ad, and a publisher will still grant the non-profit coverage space. Thank you, publishers.

But publishers are like any other businesses. They have expenses, which they can meet either through ad revenue or subscription revenue. Both are in free-fall now thanks to the Internet.

Although publishers would like to maintain that wall between advertising and editorial departments, they have to keep the lights on, too. I'm sure readers would like to believe that coverage springs purely from a disinterested editor pointing out what's new and noteworthy in the market. But if it were your publication, wouldn't you want to devote space and attention to an organization that proved that it had your publication's interests at heart?

Maybe once or twice, you might allocate a little space to a new product or contact, and hope that the contact would turn into an advertiser. But over and over? Not likely.

An editor made that clear to me in an email:

TO GET COVERAGE -- PLEASE NOTE THE FOLLOWING

We get literally hundreds of incoming e-mails DAILY from people and organizations seeking coverage.

The sad fact is, most of these submissions, no matter how good, important or legitimate, won't make it into our magazines or onto our website.

Space and time and staff are limited and we simply can't do all these submissions proper justice.

If you want to GUARANTEE coverage of your event/story, please read on.

LET'S ALL TRY A NEW, "WIN-WIN" APPROACH

If you or your clients are willing to buy ads in our magazines, we are willing to work with you to get your story properly covered. You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. The more you are willing to advertise, the more we're willing to do for you.

It's not what we want to think happens in the media, but of course it makes sense. He has bills to pay, and his readers are not paying them. Someone has to. (This particular publication was rather small and specialized, but if he came right out and said it, don't you think other publishers are thinking it?)

So I have redefined branding ads for my own purposes. A branding ad is an ad that I have no hope will ever pay off in measurable results. I take out the ad to support the publication, hoping that one day, down the line, the editor will return the favor. And because I like the fact that there are still real publications written by real journalists.

Branding ads, by the way, are more fun. I can be fanciful, without having to hammer home those pesky calls to action.

Branding Ads

One thing I like about creating ads for my church is being sure that when I call to book the space, no salesperson says to me, "What's the purpose of the ad? Is it just general branding or do you want the customer to do something?"

Now, duh.

I confess, there have been times that I've run ads just because my boss said, "Take out an ad in the New York/New Jersey Issue of the Widget Journal." I suppose you could call those branding exercises.

But usually, if I have fought for the money and the management approval for an ad, I want results. I want the phones to ring. I want extra bodies in the pews. At the end of the day I want to be able to prove that the time and money I put into the project had measurable results.

Ad salespeople who ask if I just want to brand must imagine me rolling around in stacks of loose greenbacks like autumn leaves, uncertain what else to do with them.

Thanks for letting me share.

Today's ad for Sunday School Registration

The ad is due today: a quarter-page in the local paper. It's a lot of money for one church, but if I can get four to chip in it's a little over $100 apiece.

So far, three churches have agreed to participate. Wish me luck.

Now all I need is ad copy. How does this sound?

Increase your child's life expectancy by 8 years

• Improve her attitude at school
• Increase his school participation
• Reduce her risk from alcohol, tobacco and drugs
• Reduce his chance of committing a crime

The benefits of Sunday School go way beyond learning Bible stories. Bring your child to a local (denomination name) church for a Sunday morning education with lifelong advantages.

This September, the (denomination name) churches below are beginning a new Sunday School year. Please visit the churches or call the numbers below to learn more about the valuable lessons waiting for your child in Sunday School.

I have to add this, because my denomination goes by a different brand name outside the United States: The Episcopal Church is known in other parts of the world as the Anglican Church. Remember, wherever you are,

The Episcopal Church Welcomes You

I am writing this to collect my thoughts because I will be throwing the actual ad together quickly during my lunch hour.

If the facts above interested you, you may want to visit The Life Benefits of Regular Church Attendance